


cold and unworthy

by Markhyuckisrealaf



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, please dont read it if you got mentally abused before or if you are a sensetive person, put some of my expriences in so yeah its so depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2019-01-08 18:10:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12259476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markhyuckisrealaf/pseuds/Markhyuckisrealaf
Summary: He was used to feel cold and unworthy. He was used to taking late night walks at two am every night. But maybe all he needed was some warmth to warm the wounds in his heart. So he got in the first taxi he could find and went to home where he knew someone was probably waiting for him…





	cold and unworthy

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own mark or donghyuck or jeno or doyoung or anyone in this story and this story is whole a creation of my mind, none of those are true just fiction. If you are sensitive or had any physical or mental abuse before please don’t read this cause as a person who also got mentally abused before I don’t want anyone to get hurt more.

He watched how the view in front of his eyes was passing so quickly. He watched how all people on the street were living that moment in a different way from each other. He watched how a couple was fighting so roughly then one of them pulled the other one into a kiss, which made both of their anger melt away. “cliché as fuck” he thought but kept watching anyway. He watched how a kid was looking at a piece of candy as if it was the most precious thing in this world. He watched how the kid’s mother came and pulled him away forcefully by his arms while her over-expensive branded bag was hanging on her shoulder. He watched how the kid started crying and begging to his mother. He could even hear his words even though there was a window between him and the view he was watching. “Mom please please please you said I can eat a candy if I do whatever you want. I did that mom.” She pushed her hair back with her diamond-ringed hand and said “no. you can’t eat that. We are going home. You get it?!” he watched how the kid’s tears kept rolling but he just looked down at the ground in the most heart breaking way possible and just nodded. He watched how the mother pulled him away roughly. He watched how a boy around the age sixteen was trying to say something to his probably same aged friend. He watched how the other boy’s face showed a mix of disgust, grossing out and disappointment when he finished his words. He watched how he pushed away the boy who probably just confessed him a few seconds ago, he said a very very bad word to the boy who was now lying on the ground, and walked away after punching him in the face. He watched how the boy on the ground cried, holding his face cause wow that punch was so god damn hard. But somehow he knew, even just as being the person who was just watching it all, he knew that the boy’s heart was aching more than his face. Of course he knew. The ones who had the same pain would understand each other wouldn’t they?

“Is it okay if I smoke?”

He looked at the taxi driver who had been maybe way too quiet since he got in the car and shrugged his shoulders “doesn’t matter really.”

Taxi driver took it as a “yes” and took out a single cigarette out of its box.

It mattered actually. He hated cigarettes and the smoke of it and the smell of it and everything about it. And now the smoke that was coming to the backseats of the car wasn’t reminding him any good memories. Who would really have good memories that included cigarettes anyway tho? definitely not him that was for sure. All he could remember was terrible memories. Not even bad ones. No. the terrible ones. Ones that reminds themselves to him only in the death darkness of the night. Ones that keeps him up till 4am. Ones that ruined all of his past relationships.

Out of blue, the radio was turned on and a cheerful song was playing in the background while two people were talking over the music. He hated it a lot too. There was a fucking reason why music channels were music channels. To listen the fucking songs for fuck’s sake! In another time, he would ask the taxi driver to pass this channel but he wasn’t in the mood for that. Damn he wasn’t in the mood for anything right now. Cause the smoke was wetting his eyes and choking him, the windows were still tightly closed, and all he could remember was how his mother was used to smoke all the time and never open the windows too. “what? Are you annoyed by me smoking? Guess what little brat, I don’t give a single fuck about what you feel or think. If you don’t wanna smell the smoke of my fucking cigarettes then get the fuck out of this house and live in the streets. You wouldn’t even be homeless anyway. Pretty boys like you always gets attention.”

“Open the window” he could choke out his words but the driver didn’t hear him well so he volumed down the radio.

“What?”

“Please…open the window”

The man immediately opened the window because of the boy’s hurting tone and turned off the radio completely. 

“Hey kid, are you okay? Is it because of the smoke? I can stop if it disturbs you”

He chuckled bitterly through his tears “I can stop if you it disturbs you”. Things he never heard from his own blood.

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure man? I can spray something so it can cover up the smoke’s smell. Like, I don’t know, my friend keeps a bottle of febreze here so I can try it I guess.”

He laughed this time, at how hard the poor man tried to make him feel better.

“I’m fine dude don’t worry I won’t die inside your car.”

The man looked at him with a frown.

“I didn’t say it cause of that. I was worried.”

“Why would you be worried for someone you don’t even know?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Why would you?”

The man sighed and stopped the car.

“look boy, I don’t know what happened to you but the way you were looking out of the window was so freaking depressing that I honestly felt like you are making me drive to a huge building just so you can jump from its roof. Don’t do it or anything like that okay? You are so young. I mean you look so young. How old are you?”

“Seventeen”

The man sighed longer this time.

“You are too damn young.”

He just shrugged and the man stared at him with so much worry in his eyes.

“Promise me you won’t do anything like that”

“Why do you even care?!”

Oh, shit. He snapped. 

“I…my brother. You remind me him so much. He was so much like you. He had dyed blonde hair and a dead on the inside look in his eyes just like you.”

“Why are you talking in past tense?”

“Cause he jumped out of the roof of a cheap but huge mall and the last thing he messaged to his best friend was “I wish someone was there to stop me. But I’m all alone again. So tragic isn’t it?” and I had been thinking for years about how I could be that someone to stop him but I wasn’t.”

“I’m…I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

The man shook his head to stop him from talking and tried to talk without his voice shaking even though he was crying so hard already.

“Just promise me you won’t do anything like that.”

“I-”

“Just fucking promise me!”

It took a few moments and a few sobs of the man in front of him till he answered with a broken voice.

“I won’t do anything like that. I promise you…uh…”

“Doyoung.”

“I promise you doyoung hyung”

The man, doyoung wiped away his tears with the end of his sleeves but right when he wiped one eye the other one was starting crying.

“Thank you. I…I am sorry I know it must be so fucking weird that a stranger telling you about how death brother. But…you just look like him so much”

He just watched the crying man and wondered if there was anyone who would cry for him too. He wondered if he really did go to a building right now and jumped would there be anyone who would cry their heart out. He chuckled at the silly thought cause who would feel bad for someone like him. For someone who is not good for anything.

“Do you have a girl friend?”

“Are you hitting on me? I thought I was reminding you your brother?”

“I didn’t ask to hit on you. I asked cause if there is anyone you love someone you probably can’t do something like that. Right?”

He thought about it a bit. If he really loved someone so much he could not kill himself? Maybe. He didn’t kill himself till now right?

“I don’t like girls”

“You are gay?”

He chuckled at the man’s shocked expression.

“I only love one person. And he is taken already.”

“Oh…”

“He has a very shiny golden ring on his ring finger. Not as shiny as his eyes tho”

“Damn boy who broke your heart?”

He chuckled again “a very beautiful angel of god. But it was my mistake anyway to fall for an angel while I am an unworthy trash maybe not even god knows about”

“Don’t say that” doyoung said and started the engine of the car. “god knows all of his creations and is always here for us. You just need to believe.”

“You don’t look like a religious person”

“We all live our religion in a different way. I’m connected to god by the heart not by the rules”

“It…sounds wrong…”

“So is killing yourself”

He couldn’t say anything cause he was right. Who was he to judge someone else anyway? “A trash can’t judge a real human” his mother would say. If she was still alive and hadn’t died in someone’s car who she didn’t even know for more than four hours. If she didn’t drink and found herself in someone new’s arms after locking him home all night even though she knew he was so scared of the thunderstorms.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

“Are you sure this is where you will go?” doyoung asked, looking out of the window to the big apartment.

“Yes I’m sure I want to go home” he said while taking his money off his wallet but doyoung stopped him “keep it. I just want you to promise me that you won’t do what he did.”

“Even if I don’t keep this promise you won’t know”

“Still. Promise me.”

“……..I promise.”

“Good. Good night kid.”

He chuckled and said “good night doyoung” before getting out of the taxi. But he could hear doyoung’s sobs starting to fill the car again.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

He threw his keys to the bowl next to door and took off his jacket, throwing it to the side again. He could feel someone’s eyes on him so he looked up just to see him standing there, in his casual cream colored pajamas, waiting for him to come home like how he does every single night.

“y-you came”

“Yeah” he passed him and walked to his bedroom, didn’t care that their shoulders brushed on each other lightly.

“It’s four am. I thought you…I thought you weren’t gonna come home tonight..Again…”

He turned around just to look at the boy and smiled at him sweetly in such a fake way. 

“If I died you would hear about it”

“Don’t say that…”

“I just want to sleep. Okay?” he said and lied on the bed after changing to his pajamas.

“okay…”he just said and they just lied down on the huge bed, not so far away from but also not so close to each other.

He didn’t like it actually. He hated how the other boy felt. He hated how his warmth was spreading on the sheets. He hated how his breathing pace changed whenever he looked at him. he hated how he was lying right there, next to him when he actually wanted to be alone. When he actually deserved to be all alone.

“I don’t love you donghyuck”

The boy looked at him and smiled, caressing his hair gently “I know. But I love you. And that’s enough for me.”

“donghy-“

“I know I’m not jeno. I know I can’t smile like him. I know you can’t love me like him” he said and got closer to his face, cupping it softly “but please let me love you. Let me show you that I love you. Let me, make you know and feel loved.”

All mark could feel when donghyuck’s lips touched his was emptyness. His heart was blankly beating, his breathing was same paced. Nothing was unusual. Not even how softly and tenderly donghyuck was kissing him.

“Okay” he said when he broke the kiss.

Damn it maybe that’s what he wanted. Maybe he wanted to be loved too. He wasn’t sure about the romantically love but he needed love. Did not matter from who. He just needed to feel warm. He had been cold for so long. That’s why he just let him so when donghyuck hugged him and said “thank you.”

“No” he said and out his arms around donghyuck back “thank you”

Maybe he could try to love him even though he didn’t know how to love. Cause he was pretty sure what he felt for jeno wasn’t love. Love isn’t suppose to hurt you right? If he really did loved jeno he wouldn’t feel his broken heart still hurting. Not just cause he lost the person he was in love with but also cause he felt pushed away and unworthy again like how he felt years ago when jeno pushed him away and said “what the fuck mark? what the fuck?!!!”

“goodnight mark” donghyuck said into his chest and mark sighed cause he knew it wasn’t gonna be a goodnight. Like any of his nights it was gonna be filled with terrible nightmares again.

“goodnight donghyuck”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, okay I know it’s too much angst and it is my first time writing that much angst for markhyuck ship so I’m sorry if I made any mistakes. What I want to add is, my aim in this fanfic is not romanticizing the state of a victim of abuse. Yes in this fic donghyuck’s character says he loves mark and mark says he loves jeno and says he can try loving donghyuck and all but the love he says he needs isn’t in the romantic way. He just needs to feel loved. He just needs to feel loved, needed, and cared about. That’s why he lets donghyuck hug him. He needs someone’s love, care, and support and donghyuck is there beside him to help him to heal his wounds. By “love” I don’t mean just romantic love, a different kind of love also. So honestly, this isn’t much of a love story, fanfiction but one about someone trying to help someone who is so precious to him. but again I’m so sorry if it is offensive to anyone. I’m so sorry.


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